The Battle Continues!

This was pretty exciting stuff for everyone –me especially!  The very first niece in our family was about to be christened and my big brother chose me to be the godfather!  Maybe that has a lot to do with why I have always felt a special bond with Angie.  Had I known then that someday in the distant future, I would be the one to officiate at her wedding -that would really have blown me away!  In any event, I remember being in the kitchen with Mom the evening before and talking about the ritual that would take place at the local parish church.  And this is when she made sure to remind me that I would be expected to either say a few words, or repeat some religious lines after the priest.  Please keep in mind, this was smack dab in the middle of my stage-fright crisis –and you guessed it, panic set in at full throttle!  All I could think about was how to get out of it.  I was totally convinced I would never be able to open my mouth in front of all my family and friends in that church without making an absolute fool of myself.

I knew what I was about to do wasn’t going to be any less humiliating, but I couldn’t see any way out.  I went to my room, and with closed door, I began to write this long letter to Frank and Janet, apologizing for my desertion.  The next morning, I handed it to my Mother to pass on to them.  Before she had a chance to say anything, I walked straight out of the house and headed for the bushes.  That too, was a very long day.

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If I had been a teacher,…  You have no idea how often I’ve had that thought run through my mind.  If I had been a teacher, I would have looked for every conceivable way to help those kids overcome their fears.  I would have shown them that I was on their side.  I would have worked patiently with them and cared for them through their anxieties.  I would have ….  Truth of the matters is, I probably wouldn’t have done any different.  We are often so oblivious to the misery other people are going through.  My English teacher decided it was time for his students to practice oral speeches.  I’m sure all of you remember that class, and not all that fondly.  For me, well I have no words to describe what it did to me.  Here was another reason for me to visit the great outdoors along Witson Creek.  Finally, the teacher came up with a novel idea: “Any kid who missed out in oral speech, be advised!  Sixty percent of your English exam will consist of your marks for oral speech.  You miss out on oral speech and you lose an automatic 60% of your final exam for the year.”  I’ve often thought afterword, “Now there’s a solution for a student who couldn’t do anything about it, even if it counted for 100% of his exam!”  One thing about this teacher, he was true to his word.  I ended up with less than 40% for a final grade.

By the time I reached the 11^th grade, I had had enough.   On the first day of class, I remember sitting in one class room where the teacher had each one of us stand and say our names.  I did manage to do that, but the effect was always the same.  I knew I couldn’t go on like this anymore.  At lunch time, I returned home and told both my Mom and Dad that I would not be going back to school, ever again, it didn’t matter what they thought of the idea.  They never said a word.  They seemed to understand.

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How did I ever manage to get married?  That too, was an adventure in itself.  Fortunately, the girl that I was madly in love with loved me unconditionally.  She agreed that we would have a very quiet ceremony.  Everyone would be asked to not come to the church for the ceremony except for Robert and Yvonne who stood as witnesses, the organist and the priest.  We would meet with the rest of the family later at Janice’s parents’ home just a few blocks away.  Everyone agreed, except for Aunt Alice who was determined that nobody was going to keep her from attending Mass!  Janice and I were so happy that day, we really hardly took notice of her.  Our family and friends were incredibly patient and gracious.  No one gave us a hard time.  They just wanted us to be happy.  God gave us so many loving people in our lives.  I can’t think of anything more important.

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We hadn’t been married very long when life took a sudden turn –one that would forever change the course of our lives.  Frank and Janet got religion.  And we wouldn’t be too far behind.  We were about to witness the hand of God in ways we would never have imagined possible.  Deliverance was at hand… in more ways than one.  Part III

Hopeless and Helpless

I had no idea what this would lead to as our first grade teacher gave us each a note to pass on to our parents.  Celebrations for Mother Superior's birthday were scheduled for the next morning and all the students were to come to school in their Sunday best.  As such, Mom dressed me up in... can you believe it? a suit, complete with jacket and tie.  I have to confess, I was oblivious to everything until I arrived in the schoolyard and started noticing some of the other kids staring at me.  Yup, as far as I could tell, I was the only kid wearing a suit.  It became even more uncomfortable as I walked down the hall to my classroom.  Teachers, walking by or standing in their class doorway would look down at me with these rather suspicious grins on their faces.  I remember feeling very uncomfortable at my predicament.  I don't know if this is where I started being overly self-conscious, but it's been a curse ever since.

As I walked into my classroom, my teacher took one look at me, got up from her desk and with another grade one teacher escorted me back out in the hall all the way to the other end of the school.  As I was ushered into what I remember as a small room adjacent to the principle's office, I noticed one of my schoolmates standing there with a huge bouquet of roses clutched in her arms.  This is when one of the nuns gave me a handmade birthday card and they escorted both of us to the school gymnasium.  To my great surprise, the entire school was assembled there.  We were both marched to the front and turned to face Mother Superior sitting on the front row.  At this point, we presented our gifts to her, which she graciously accepted, and quite frankly, I can't recall another thing after that.

The way I like to say it is: "...and so began my career in the limelight!"

Now, don't get me wrong!  I wasn't the limelight kind of a guy.  But that didn't stop my teachers from roping me into some kind of role in what I recall to have been every school concert ever after.  Whether they had me in a choir, a play, a skit, singing solo, or whatever, there was no escaping it.  I want you to know, and this is not a case of false humility, I did not for a moment like being up front for anything.  But try as I may, there was no getting out of it!

Something rather strange began to happen by the time I reached the 7th grade.  While I had always had fairly good grades to this point, my marks were gradually declining, and with them, so was any confidence I may have had in myself (no doubt, a blessing in disguise).  Even then and the year after, I was still involved in front stage activities.  My Mom maintained that on the last day of my 8th grade, my role in the closing concert on the last day of school was to sing "Bridge Over Troubled Waters"... alone... all by myself.  By this time, I had such a healthy dose of stage fright that I must have blanked it completely out.  I cannot for the life of me recall any such thing.  But, who am I to question my Mother?

High school would prove to be my worst nightmare!  Each day began with an offer of prayer, usually the Lord's Prayer, after which all the students would head for their first class of the day.  Our class however, was somewhat different.  While our teacher was English Protestant, we students were French Catholics.  As such, we preferred to say the Hail Mary.  Not being a particularly religious individual, he didn't care if we had recited the American Declaration of Independence, just so long as he could be rid of us to make room for his first class.  Now, here's how he had set this up.  He would start with the first student in the front row and have him recite the first half of the prayer while the rest of us would chime in with the last half.  Then we would head for our first class of the day.  The following day, the next student would recite the first half of the prayer and the rest would finish it off.  This way, every student had his turn to lead the prayer and we'd start back with the first student all over again.

For whatever reason, the first time I had to do it, I got unusually nervous, so much so, that I even felt myself shaking and struggling to get the words out.  I was totally unnerved by my own reaction.  As such, the next time my turn was anticipated, I began to fear the same thing would happen long before my turn arrived.  And when it did arrive, I was a total basket case.  My heart pounded uncontrollably and my lips were shaking so badly, I could barely be understood by anyone.  I was devastated!  I couldn't understand why this was happening.  What made it even worse was following this very humiliating experience, one of my fellow students caught up to me in the hallway and asked: "What on earth happened to you?" which only deepened my utter embarrassment. I was so impacted by this state of affairs that for the first time in my school life, I planned to skip out of school the next turn around.  Talk about a long, boring day, stuck in the woods with absolutely nothing to do but wait for school to be out so I could go home.  A couple of times like this and the teacher got wise and when I did come back to class following my wilderness wandering, he asked me to pray, and of course, the same thing happened again.  Now I found myself having to skip two and three days in a row before returning to class.

I remember on one such occasion, there I was, lying on my back alongside the bank of Witson Creek behind our home, staring up at this beautiful, blue sky with white, puffy clouds floating by and laughing out loud at my predicament -wondering why this was happening to me.  I especially liked drafting class and had hoped to be a draftsmen someday.  I didn't want to quit school!  I wanted to make something of myself, but I felt I had absolutely no control over what was going on.  I had never in my life felt so utterly hopeless and helpless!  Since I had never witnessed anyone else struggling with a similar situation, I came to believe that no one could possibly understand what I was going through.  I had no one to turn to that I believed would be able to help me.

Have you ever been paralyzed with fear to the extent that you felt absolutely trapped? and by something that even you found totally silly and ridiculous in nature?  How I wish I had understood then what I know of God today!  How I wish I had known how much He cared for me then as I know now! If only I had understood how much He has always loved me.

"There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one that fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4. 18 NIV.

Little did I realize, God was putting a plan together that would forever alter my life.  But that wouldn't happen... at least, not for a while yet.

My Life As It Is...  Part II.

Where To Start.... "

I never thought I would find myself doing this, but as in all things, life has a way of changing when you least expect it.  The thought came to me just a few days ago that sharing my personal life experience with people that have been important to me might somehow be worth something and, might I say, might even benefit someone somehow.  I don't imagine that I am unique or that my experience is special in any sense of the word, but it struck me that I have never shared my journey with the people I most care about.  So, here goes!  Take it for what it's worth.

I had no idea what I was about to get into.  All I wanted was to pick up a baby carriage.  Frank and Janet were in the process of moving to Woodland Park Foundation, a self-supporting institution just outside South River, Ontario.  They had just recently become Seventh-day Adventists and were entering an adventure like no other.  Of course, they were somewhat oblivious as to what the future held for them, as we were with our own.  When I arrived in their home, we engaged in a conversation that soon led to the subject of religion and the Bible's predictions of what to expect for the future.  I had always been very uncomfortable with the new direction their life had taken, but for some strange reason, I ventured to ask them questions.  Remember that all I had wanted was a baby carriage they promised they would sell me.  Two hours later, I left with my purchase and more questions than my poor little head could handle.

When I got home, I brought the carriage in the house with me, and I could see that Janice was somewhat perturbed at the length of my absence.  We sat in the living room together and I told her of my visit with Frank and Janet.  I told her that for two hours, I asked them questions on the Bible and what it contained, and for two hours they told me things that just blew me away.  I remember saying to Janice: "How is it, that we believe we belong to the only true Christian church and yet, live as if God, who supposedly created us, hardly has so much as a passing thought in our minds?  We claimed to have the truth, yet knew nothing concerning what our own church considered to be God's Holy Book?  Frank and Janet knew more about the Bible in the short time that they had been studying then we had learned in our entire lives.Why is it that we had the truth, yet lived so carelessly in so many ways.  We smoked, we got tipsy with alcohol, we thought nothing of using foul language, tell dirty jokes, indulged in sexual innuendo, etc., etc., etc.  Here Frank and Janet were getting involved in some strange religion that couldn't possibly be of God, yet they spoke fondly of Him constantly.  They cleaned up their lives, they knew the Scriptures, and they never seemed so happy.  Yet, we somehow comforted ourselves with the assumption that we had the truth!"  All of a sudden, life didn't make sense anymore and I knew that something had to change.

Now, what happened next wasn't so pretty.  Janice wasn't ready for this, as I am sure I wouldn't have been either had our roles been turned around.  Let's face it, it scared her out of her mind, and she went on the defensive!  Quite frankly, I don't remember all the details of our fight, but somehow in the end, we were able to calm down and talk things through.  We agreed that we would start reading the Bible together, just so we'd be able to know for ourselves what it really said.

And so, began an experience that forever altered the course of our lives.  Do we regret it? absolutely not!  If I were to sum it up in one small phrase, it is this: We discovered that God had set us up for an encounter with Him that we never knew could exist or was even possible for humans to have!  And all this, not via some strange New Age experience or by nebulous experiences produced by some ecstatic emotion, but through an instrument that had been under our noses our entire lives... the Holy Bible.  And so, from this simple beginning, our journey began.

    "Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us,..."  Ephesians 3:20.

Now you have My Life As It Is... Part I.