Of Heroes and Dreams

Imagine living your entire youth in a world of make believe -of aspiring to be like one of so many comic book heroes.  I'm embarrassed to say, I had lots of those... heroes that is: Thor, Daredevil, Spiderman, even Superman.  It wasn't all bad, since they all gave me a desire to do good and a sense of right and wrong.  Interestingly enough, it wasn't the characters that exhibited the greatest supernatural powers that impressed me the most. I admired Tarzan more than any other  -possibly because his courage and strength seemed more humanly attainable than those gifted with super powers. I wonder how many times all of us have managed to lose ourselves in an imaginary world in order to escape the realities of life?  At times, when my phobia felt more than I could bear, I even contemplated stowing away on some ship to Africa in order to lose myself in a jungle somewhere. I probably wouldn't have survived for more than 2 days after which I would have succumbed to the grips of malaria. Isn't this why so many start drinking? become sex addicts? or get hooked on drugs?... this need to escape from the weight of our responsibilities, or as in my case, from my ever present fears?

I had a friend who once told me that everyone would eventually resort to drugs as the thing to do.  He told me that there was no escaping it.  It was the new thing!  I remember feeling that it was so outside my image of what was cool, there was no way I would ever allow myself to even give it a try.  I was into healthful living, body building, martial arts, etc.  I wanted to be like Tarzan!  Besides, the whole drug scene seemed totally contrary to common sense and damaging to both body and mind.  I never did try it.

There is a drug however, that I discovered and that I frequently indulged in, and yes, got me quite high at times.  The very first time Janice and I visited Frank and Janet at Woodland Park, we got into a discussion about God, the Bible, and other related subjects.  I remember sitting in their tiny little trailer which was couched between what was then considered huge houses, and being gripped by something I had never experienced before.  I wish I had the ability to describe it, but I don't.  I just remember being so blown away by the experience that we left for home with the ...feeling of being high as a kite!  This happened a number of times.  At first, I gave it no thought other than to simply enjoy it every time it occurred.  It wasn't until we had attended a meeting we were invited to in their church that I realized something.  I told Janice on our way back to Sudbury:  "If getting high on LSD or marijuana was anything like this, I can understand why people take drugs!"  Nothing could possibly compare to what seemed to happen to me every time we got into a discussion on spiritual things.

The day finally came when we began to attend the Seventh-day Adventist Church.  Frank and Janet and the kids came to spend a weekend with us and invited us to church Saturday morning.  We consented to go and I found the study period to be so interesting, that I felt I had to be there every week.  Janice was more hesitant, but eventually joined me after a while.  I remember the Pastor teaching the lesson and I would sit in the back pew, hoping he wouldn't notice me.  I was scared out of my mind that he would ask me to read a passage, or worse yet, offer prayer.  But as frightened as I was, I couldn't stay away.  I kept coming back week after week and lived with the dread of being exposed to some embarrassing situation.

Somewhere in all of this, we were introduced to Ron and Gail Jones.  They quickly latched unto us and we found ourselves developing a friendship.  One Sabbath, on a beautiful Spring morning, Janice, Michelle and I walked into the church, and Ron, who happened to be standing by the front door, greeted us with his usual big smile and handed me a slip of paper.  Thinking that he had a passage of Scripture that he felt impressed to share with me, I gave it no thought and proceeded to the front of the church and sat somewhere near the front.  Once settled in, I opened the paper and discovered a text of Scripture.  When I found and read the 3 verses from a Psalm, which I cannot to this day remember, I thought it rather strange that he would have wanted to share this with me.  I didn't know what it meant and it just seemed a strange passage to share with someone.  I turned to look back and there was Ron, looking at me with this big grin, and so, I returned the smile with one of my own, wanting him to know that I appreciated the thought (though I couldn't for the life of me figure out its meaning), and without so much as a thought, I unconsciously put the slip of paper where my Bible had been left opened and immediately closed it.

Soon, Gail came marching up the ail to the podium and began the Sabbath School program.  She opened with a song, a passage of Scripture and prayer.  After a few preliminary thoughts, she then proceeded with the following: "All of you who have received a slip of paper from my husband, I would like you to stand when I call out your passage, and read those verses."  This is when pandemonium broke loose! My body began to go into convulsions!  My heart started pounding so hard, I was sure everyone could hear it! I began to shake so much, I could hardly hold my Bible!  Fortunately, I still had enough presence of mind to think that Janice would be able to read this for me, and with that in mind, I handed her the Book.  By the way, the slip of paper I had been handed, allowed for my Bible to open exactly where the verses were.  I couldn't possibly have found it otherwise, I was shaking so badly.  To my utter shock and dismay, Janice refused to read the passage for me.  She, of all people, knew that I couldn't read out loud in front of all these people -I even reminded her of this fact, but still, to no avail.  At this juncture, I began to look for a way to simply walk out of the church.  Had I been able to leave, I would never have returned -out of shear humiliation and embarrassment.  When I looked at the crowd behind me, I felt too scared to walk out.  I looked for a side door in the front and there were none!  I was a mess and in serious trouble!

Meanwhile, Gail had been calling different passages of Scripture and different individuals stood up to read.  (Might I add that their verses seemed rather short and sweet in comparison to the three I was given to read!)  Now, she was calling my verses and looking everywhere to see who had it.  In the meantime, Janice and I were in a reverse tug-of-war, fighting for who was not going to read in front of all those people.  Back and forth, back and forth with the Bible until finally, I realized that I was doomed to be sacrificed to the gods of my worst fears!  By now, Gail had called out the passage 3 times and still looking for whoever the lucky person was who would read.  I slowly found myself getting up to my feet, trembling and sweating profusely.  I remember whispering the briefest prayer I have ever prayed: "Dear God, now I will see if you really exist, because if You don't help me now, I will never be a Christian!"

As I began to read the first verse, I realized that I was shaking so badly, no one could possibly understand a word I said.  But I continued.  Previous to this, I would have very abruptly chocked on my own words and been unable to continue.  But I did continue unto the 2nd verse.  By now, I was realizing that something totally unusual was happening.  Even with all my trembling, I was still going.  Let me pause a moment: Have you ever felt what it's like to be drowning? but someone has come from behind you just in time to lift you up, and just high enough for your nose to barely cross over the waterline?  You're not out of trouble, but somehow, you've been held up just enough to be able to make your way to shore!  That's what was happening to me.  I had never experienced this before.  Something completely out of myself was keeping me afloat as I read through the 2nd verse and unto the 3rd.  Some outside power had taken hold of me and was seeing me clear to the end!  I quickly sat down and could do nothing but whisper praises to my God!

As insignificant as this may appear to someone reading this, to me, it was the greatest evidence of the existence of God I had ever experienced.  I felt that ten years of my life had been ruined and destroyed by a fear that I had never been able to overcome.  But the God of all creation proved Himself to me in a moment that I couldn't possibly ever forget for the rest of my life!  He came to my rescue when I least expected!  A new life was about to begin!

Interestingly enough, during the Worship Service, Pastor Orpana called for people to share a few words of praise to God, and I found myself rising to my feet once again, praised God, and quickly sat down again.  I had not had the courage to do this since before my days in high school.  Life would never be the same!

Sometime later, I realized that every super hero, produced by the wild imaginings of men, were no match for the infinite power of a God whose only interest is to have a personal relationship with each one of us -a God whose only desire is to have each one of us attain to an existence that is far beyond our craziest dreams!

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart!"  Psalm 37. 4.  I dare each of you to dream the impossible.  No matter how outrageous your dream, it will never measure up to what God has in mind for you... if you let Him!

My Life As It Is: Part IV